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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 29, 2016 9:00am-9:38am PDT

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comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. welcome to "nightly show." so kind. please, please, please, thank you. i priebt. i am larry wilmore. man, we've got a great crowd tonight. what a great crowd. anyhow, you guys, i try to make "nightly show" a nice place to work. on on tuesdays we take it easy,
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get a little cold brew in the kitchen. so guess what i call that day-- "cold brewsday." so, yeah, i'm a pretty fun boss. but despite my adorable puns, i'll never be as beloved as chobani c.e.o. hamdi ulukaya, who just did this: >> ulukaya is giving his employees a 10% stake in the company when it goes public or is sold. it's a windfall that could be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, each. ( laughter ) >> larry: note to self-- yogurt doesn't work for spit takes. that's disgusting. oh, my god. all right, so... ( laughter ) so these chobani employees are
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going to be so rich, they'll be able to afford to eat chobani! that is amazing. that's pretty good. and i bring up chobani as a counterpoint to what's turning out to be anot so-great-place to work-- isis. i know. this is true, you guys. this is true. isis is having some human resources issues. back in february, it was reported that because of some cash flow problems, the group had to stop providing free energy drinks and snickers. ( laughter ) energy drinks and snickers? are you a terrorist organization or a tech startup? i'm confused. what are you? ( cheers and applause ) what are you? i mean, do the guys relax after a bombing with a game of foosball in the team member lounge or something? this doesn't make sense to me.
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cnn reported yesterday that isis fighters are suffering from low morale and getting doctors' notes to avoid serving on the front lines. this gets crazier. that's what separates us from isis. in the civilized world, we worship our doctors who are completely ( bleep ). that's america! america! all this joagurt's still here. turning from isis to the embodiment of true evil, dennis hastert. the former speaker of the house and sexual predator is finally facing the music for his crimes. >> hastert finally admitted he had molested boys on the yorkville high school wrestling team he coached decades ago. "what i did was wrong," he said, "and i regret it." judge thomas durkin suggested
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that was not enough. "nothing is more stunning than having serial child molester and speaker of the house in the same sentence." >> larry: that's true. that's true. the only other ones that come close are "president" and "trump" in the same sentence. on. >> thank you very much. ok, so how long is this old dirty hastert going away for? years? decades? life? >> some breaking news today on the former house speaker dennis hastert. this federal judge in chicago just sentenced him to 15 months in prison plus two more years of supervised release. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: why do i keep eating yogurt at inopportune moments? 15 months!
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look, if you've ruined the lives of boys in high school, your prison sentence shouldn't be shorter than high school. ( applause ) all right? come on? black people are getting locked up for ten years for an ounce of weed, and this monster only gets 15 months for molesting kids? diswnt seem right. ( applause ) just a quick reminder of exactly who denny hastert is. he wasn't speaker of the house for a couple of months. he was the longest serving republican speaker of the house in history. as speaker, he was two heartbeats away from the presidency. actually, one heartbeat because dick cheney doesn't have a heart. ( laughter ) ( applause ) my bad. my bad. and during that period of time, when mark foley, a congressman, was accused of inappropriately texting underage congressional pages, hastert came out and said this. >> our children need to be protected, and we're going to do everything we can to protect them. >> larry: well, then, the next thing out of your mouth should have been "so i'm going to put
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myself in jail." ( cheers and applause ) all right? now, that was in 2006. and in 2000, hastert supported the "child abuse prevention and enforcement act," which called for tougher penalties for sex offenders. if only it had called for the police to arrest dennis hastert while he was (bleep) supporting it. ( applause ) and what really gets me though is how he sme-rolls into court. >> former speaker of the house dennis hastert arrived at the federal courthouse today in a wheelchair. >> larry: really? you're playing the roll card. that's exactly what cosby did. remember when he pretended he was blind all of a subpoena. hastert is 74. you know who else is 74? this guy, and he seems to be doing pretty well, and this geezer's 72, and he's still jumping off speakers at
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concerts! so it's not that old. but, obviously, the old man card isn't going to work for such a heinous crime. >> apparently, the judge said because of his-- his-- his older age, you know, he didn't give him more time because it would essentially amount to a death sentence. >> larry: you've got to be (bleep ) kidding me! what do you mean he can't die in jail? his cellmate should be a noose! ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right. i know, i know. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. but at the very least, hastert's reputation is ruined, right? i mean, he's got to be a pariah amongst the politicians who know him. >> on friday, 41 letters were released testifying to the character of hastert. and the letters, written by some very powerful people, asked for leniency. hastert "has never disappointed me in any way," wrote former house majority leader tom delay. "he is a man of strong faith that guides him. he is a man of great integrity. he doesn't deserve what he is going through. we all have our flaws, but
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dennis hastert has very few." >> larry: jesus. ( audience booing ) you can't quantify a man's flaws equally when one of them is child molestation. this is a monster. and shame on all 41 of you for defending him. i mean, i get it there's a bro code in congress, but this isn't somebody who may have had a problem with substance abuse. we're talking about child abuse. and to be clear, this case isn't about politics or ideology. it isn't about democrats and republicans. it isn't about right and left. it's about right and wrong and how much-- ( applause ) it's about right and wrong and how far power will go to protect its own self-interests. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) at our house, we're always down for more...
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i wanted to address some global issues of inequality-- >> hey, larry, sorry to interrupt! >> larry: hey, it's "the nightly show" contributors! what's going on, guys? i'm in the middle of a really important observation. >> no one cares. we are here because you're hosting the white house correspondents' dinner this saturday night. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, we're just wondering, are you a little nervous? >> larry: actually, it makes me very nervous. you know, i'd rather talk about it right now. >> larry, that's why we got you this cake. ( cheers and applause )
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>> larry: wait. guys, guys. that's a-- that's a penis cake, you guys. why? >> it's a celebration. why wouldn't you want a penis cake >> larry: look, i do not want to talk about the dinner. and seeing my name on the shaft of a dick cake is not helping. it makes me think about it. >> it always helps me. ( applause ) i'm mike yard. don't be nervous, larry. just focus on the fact that you're going to be telling these jokes in front of the profit united states. >> larry: stop, mike! you're making it worse! >> larry, larry, we also put together a little video of some people who wanted to wish you good luck. >> larry: no thanks. i don't want this to feel like a big deal. >> but it is a big deal! you're officially's man. we keep telling you, this isn't
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a bar mitzvah. >> why is there a penis cake? >> sorry, ricky's really high. would you like to see the video? >> larry: no! but if it'll make you guys go away, then sure, roll the damn tape! ( "hail to the chief ") >> you know, i hosted the correspondents' dinner. so, larry, you know, the biggest thing about that is make sure you get some food to go, man. you know, they try to eat all the stuff up before because you're preparing for the show. make sure you get your food to go, man. >> hey, larry, so when you meet president obama, and you get a chance to talk to him, you should definitely ask him some really tough questions because he loves, loves when people ask him really tough questions, the tougher the better. >> want me to give you a question that you would then ask the president? i got barack on speed dial? >> take a page from trump.
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tell the most funny jokes. everyone agrees they'll be the most terrific jokes. and believe me, mexico will pay for them. >> larry, larry, just make sure the president doesn't retire early. he's got to run all the way to the tape. we need him in there for nine more months. it's up to you, man, to convince him that you've got work to do. >> hey, larry, one thing you should tell president obama is to make sure before he leaves the white house, take something. take anything, but take something, a little memento. if the democrats lose the elections, leave something. if you know what i mean. >> yo, larry, tell barack obama on his last day going out, say, "( bleep ) all of you all. kiss my black ass. i'm gone." >> larry, you just need to go up to the president and say, "listen, this is how this is going to go. you have five minutes. when you see the light in the back of the room flash, you get
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off that stage. i don't care if you're in the middle of a story about joe bidening popping a boner in the rose guarantee, you are off, and larry is on, you got it? >> congratulations, larry. you're going to be great. what could go wrong. it's a fantastic room full of warm, supportive people ready to laugh. >> get out of it! >> larry: thank you so much to everyone who took the time to contribute to that video. check out the white house correspondents' dinner this saturday night at 9:30 p.m. on c-span. 5-hour energy® presents... why are you so tired? ahh, the "after lunch food coma." we've all been there. you had planned on ordering the salad, but the pasta and fries looked so good. now, you're trying to find a place to catch a few zzzs... without the boss catching you.
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i'm not standard. three weeks. ok. an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. have you seen my lipton sparkling iced tea? it's delicious fruit flavored tea with smooth, crisp bubbles. well, thanks anyway. lipton sparkling iced tea! ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor rory albanese.
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( cheers and applause ) and "nightly show" contributor holly walker. ( cheers and applause ) and he's a former member of the south carolina house of representatives, cnn political commentator, bakari sellers. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag #onightly. yesterday, trump made a speech where he laid out his foreign policy. >> i'd like to talk today about how to develop a new foreign policy direction for our country. one that replaces randomness with purpose, ideology with strategy, and chaos with peace. >> larry: okay. so, so there are some-- some people, some of your people, i would say, felt his tone and demeanor seemed more presidential. i mean, to me it seemed like he was in a fifth grade remedial reading class of prompters or something. >> yeah. ( applause )
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>> larry: i would ask, why is the bar set so low for donald trump? >> i think that's unfortunate because i believe when people are presidential, then they haveave lot less sexism air, lot less bigotry, a lot liz racism. but trump embodies all of those things. i don't think his speech was presidential. it was the antithesis of everything he talked about. it was cattotic and lacked detail. >> we give him credit for being able to read. >> yes. >> larry: that's what i'm saying. that's what i'm saying. why is he getting credit for that? he barely read that. >> the bar is set so low because when you're a snake, you don't need a high bar. >> audience: oooh! >> that's right, i said it. i did. >> i know this won't be popular to say, but the bar eye mean, the bar was set low for obama. obama-- obama got a nobel peace prize, like, a month in. he didn't even--
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>> he was a black guy that won president of the united states. >> that's not deserving of a nobel peace prize. >> larry: the difference was-- >> he should have given that back and said, "in eight years, if i'm worthy of that i'll take the prize." >> he was given credit for speaking beautifully and passionately and inspiring people. even people in germany who didn't know what he was saying. but he was criticized for that. obama was criticized for that. >> right. the bar was not low for him. he had to overcome being an fern fern man ifern-- african americn the united states to become president. that is a high bar. >> mitch mcconnell's first statement was barack obama was not going to be success will. he was going to work to make sure barack obama was not successful. the definition of the republican party in the obama presidency was obstructionism, nothing more, nothing les. he deserves that. >> don't know if that gives him
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a nobel peace prize. i think the country has a low bar. >> larry: the country has a political low bar. >> the fact that this is presidential is kind of lame because it's like what we think of as presidential is just reading platitudes offave teleprompter-- >> but he's not being presidential. he's behaving like a kid who's figured out that christmas is right around the corner, and he's been a little asshole for most of the year. that's how he's behaving. >> gl that's true. yeah. >> that's funny. >> larry: this whole notion that somehow reading your speech renders you less of an intellect or worthy leader, i don't understand where that notion came from. martin luther king had the speech on the podium, but nobody said, "he has a speech there, he's reading it. how come he's not winging it?" i. >> i think what we're seeing from donald trump is donald trump is speaking like a lot of people speak around their dinner tables. >> larry: right. >> last night, or yesterday when
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he was able to go out there and read off the teleprompter, and what he was talking about, american isolationism, america first, it harkens back to pre-world war ii when we didn't want america to go and fight the nazis. donald trump is a legitimately scary, scary politician. all you saw was george wallace 2.0,. >> larry: you just jumped decades. are we really going to see president trump there? i mean, let me ask you this. are we-- guys, are we going through the stages of grief here? we went through anger first. then we went through denial. i felt there was a little bargaining. maybe cruz isn't that bad. no, cruz is horrible. are we-- >> yeah, because right now, i'm still in depression. you forgot depression. i'm depressed that he has gotten this far. that's-- >> there is a component to this. i call it the godzilla effect. but you don't want godzilla to crush a city but it would be kind of cool if he did. i'm a little curious if trump
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becomes president, will d.c. explode. i don't know? i kind of want to know. gling if you lived in that city you wouldn't-- >> right, right. >> but if you're watching it on c-span you're like oh, my god. he stepped on a stadium. this is crazy. >> larry: you've been watching all this stuff. trump's style has been the thing that has put him in front. almost as much as the things that he said, which has been horrible, but it's kind of his style. like he has baller style. like, they think he's fearless. is that going to work when he debates hillary clinton? >> definitely not. you're talking about a woman who was a united states senator, who was secretary of state, served as first lady of arkansas and the united states of america versus someone who is used to sitting on stage with gary busey and little john. i mean, this is not really going to be much of an intellectual-- ( applause ) debate. >> it's not. it's not going to be intellectual. >> larry: but the people-- >> it's going to be entertaining as hell. and i'm thrilled about-- >> you should moderate one.
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>> yup. that would be agreement. that would be great. ( cheers and applause ) that would be great. it's going to be entertaining as hell, which i am happy about, because wrestlemania 33 is far away, and i need some entertainment. and that's a cage match. it's going to be a cage match. because he's going to try that crap with hillary that he's tried with other people and he is going to swing back at him. >> he has not seen a woman fight back at him the way that she will. stand up to him and say, "look, i am the biggest person in the room with substance, and i'm not here simply because i'm a woman. i'm here because i'm more qualified than are you to be president of the united states. >> i will say this, when you-- ( applause ). >> larry: when hillary gets into her joe scarborough shouting phase-- >> when you're on your third wife, you've seen a woman fight back. let's not get carried away. trump is obviously a tough dude to get away with. i feel like he's experienced some the fighting in his day.
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and i think hillary actually has-- you know, she's got the skills and experience to be president. i just oong. >> and bigger hands. >> well, yes. >> true. >> i don't know if that matters, though. >> as long as they're big enough to touch the but orange that's all we have to worry about. >> he's been fighting with women, but he has been divorced three times so, clearly, he hasn't won. >> larry: i think it's going to be one of the most unbelievable and entertaining fights, political fights ever. >> i agree. >> larry: it's good for us. don't know if it's good for the country. wiebt. we'll be right back. you know when i first started out,
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it was all pencil and paper. the surface pro is very intuitive. i can draw lightly, just like i would with a real pencil. i've been a forensic artist for over 30 years. i do the composite sketches which are the bad guy sketches. you need good resolution, powerful processor because the computer has to start thinking as fast as my brain does. i do this because i want my artwork to help people.
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(pilot talking to tower on radio) once you get out here... there's just one direction... forward. one time: now. and there's just one sound. you and us... together. telling the world... we're coming for you.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists, rory albanese holly walker, and bakari sellers. thanks for watching. good nightly, everyone! captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> from comedy centraler headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much! i'm trevor noah. our guests, star of the new netflix movie "special correspondents," ricky gervais is here! (cheers and applause) first up, let's talk about ted cruz. (laughter) he's a man despised by basically everyone -- the democrats hate him, fellow republicans hate him. when babies are born, they cry because being alive means they might some day meet him. but the people who know him on a personal level are the ones who truly revile him. listen to how for